Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back