Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

ㅤ

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???