[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
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rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
What flavor cupcake are these
