Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.