Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories

Dieting Parents:

App Designer: It’s great, right…

Dieting Parents:…

App Designer:

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.