Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Some people were born into their job.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.