Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.