Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
1. Go to party
2. Eat all cheese at party
3. Leave party
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.