Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
this post was so formative to me
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit