Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Grandpa

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.