Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her