Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Alexa, make out with the Roomba