Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Well, this explains it:

oh u like geography? name every lake

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Butt weight. There’s more!