Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

Crush: what u up to

Me: about to take a shower and listen to music

Crush: nice, what kind

Me: *nervously* one with water

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.