Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.

*me, talking to my dogs

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.