Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]

INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Now, where’s the sport in that?

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.