Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.