Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

long lost

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Goodnight 🐶

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve