Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket