Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

How I’d get arrested…

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*