Ovenable?
You Might Also Like
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
