Ovenable?
You Might Also Like
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Yes, this is exactly right
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour