Ovenable?
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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
murder on the timeline
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.