Ovenable?
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Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Not😆🤣
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Cake!!
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel