over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
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God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger