Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes