Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
what kind of cook setting is this??
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.