Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo