jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
$3 #books
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me