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Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old