Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

*brings therapist to family gathering*

Me: See?

Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ

My Plans 2020

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?