Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*