[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
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What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.