Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

My nickname in high school was “who?”

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

Said the murderer.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha