Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

what are they serving at kfc then???

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

How to woo a woman

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.