Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said