Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
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Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle