Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
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GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Tastes like chicken.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power