(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
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All food is good if you spell it wrong
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*weighs self after shaving
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.