Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

PLOT TWIST:

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*