Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.
I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no