Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
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I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
finally
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Better luck next time champ
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??