Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

[Biker gang initiation]

Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.