Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
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Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Time for evil
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.