Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
