Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
