Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
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[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood