Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
