Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

had to make it

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.