Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy thanksgiving!

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.