Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Pronouncing “driest” like priest

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

In Russia, the cold complains about you.

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?