Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.

Me: Jack.

Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.

Me: Jack

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Miss 11 returns home from school. This is what she does – in order of preference:

1 – Goes to see her bedroom that we changed around yesterday.

2 – Says hello to the cat.

3 – Says oh hello to me after I remind her of my existence.

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”

Better luck next time champ