Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.