Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
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*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
nature’s most graceful animal
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Realize this:
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.