Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
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The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.