Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
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It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.