Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.