Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak