Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.