Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.