*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
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so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.