Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
You Might Also Like
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Is your wife single?