Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

iPhone X

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

Good morning, Twitter 😊

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S