Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
