Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.