Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
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Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
What the hell is going on?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
oh my gosh!!
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.