Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?


I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.


It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face


You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea


I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.


My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru


To punish me, my 2yr old shuts herself in her room. She can shut, but not open, doors. She ends up trapped in a self-imposed timeout. #irony