Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Bill is short for Billiam
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.