Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring