Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

Another day, another…goddammit

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.