Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
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Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.