Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.

girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

20s: Rage Against The Machine

30s: Rage Against Literally Everything

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose