Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*