Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
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Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Bruh
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.