sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.