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Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00


Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.


ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.


My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.


Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother


My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her


Let’s be honest, if I were to time travel to medieval Europe, I’d drink all the mead, and then promptly forget what I was there to do


“You do realize it’s a crime to lie in court, right?”

*I think for a moment and then move my hands closer together*