Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

won’t smith

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Me: I’m hard at work

HR: this is why you’re fired

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.