Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Sell your car
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*