Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
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An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’