Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

You don’t even know

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?

Me: Go to your room.

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.